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Please note: This post talks about mental illness, specifically depression and anxiety, as well as loss and grief. If any of these make you uncomfortable, feel free to skip over this!

June was the seventh year anniversary of my mother’s death. It hardly seems like it’s been that long. My mother was such an alive, vibrant, radiant person that her no longer being here sometimes seems like an impossibility. It certainly was nothing I would have ever expected or known to brace for. To this day, it still feels like I was punched in the gut.

I began having panic attacks around the anniversary itself. I took myself to the emergency room one morning after having been engulfed in panic for almost twelve hours. I felt certain that I was going to die. My jaw throbbed, my chest ached. But I was okay, and an EKG, stress test, and an appointment with a cardiologist proved that. At least I’m physically okay, although my mind is a mess.

I’ve felt lately that I have to censor myself in order to keep others comfortable. “Don’t talk about being less than perfect, Emily — it bothers other people.” I’ve always been open about my mental illness. While I don’t want it to define me, it is a part of who I am. It has been there since I was ten, and it will be there until I die. I always found comfort in the confessions of those who have similar struggles (Jenny Lawson is my heroine), and after discovering Brené Brown about five years ago, I made the conscious decision to be authentic and (try to) embrace my vulnerability. If I can’t admit to having these emotions, how can I be my authentic self?

So here’s the real, 100%, honest to God, authentic Emily: I have major depressive disorder and it’s usually controlled well with medication but sometimes I feel like crap. I miss my mom every single day and sometimes I cry myself to sleep thinking about her. I have extreme anxiety and worry about a lot of dumb shit, although it’s not as paralyzing as it used to be. I have all the hang-ups everyone else seems to have, but I like who I am and I make myself laugh. I don’t handle stress well. I’m messy and I run late constantly and I screw stuff up, but I have a good heart.

That’s me. Nice to meet you.

    • Today was pretty awesome. ❤️ @buzzcocked •••
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#ootd #psootd #whatiwore #whatimwearing #wiw #whatiworetoday #curvygirl #curvy #curves #curvesahead #curvywoman #curvyfashion #curvystyle #plussize #plussizefashion #plusisamust #plussizestyle #bodypositive #bodypositivity #bopo #psblogger #psbloggers #blogger #plussizeblogger #plussizebeauty #girlswithcurves #tealhair #greenhair #bluehair #alternativecurves
    • I don’t have super any recent pics, so here’s a drunken selfie of me from a few weeks ago to go along with this absolutely irrelevant chain of text. I’ve also turned off comments because I don’t want pity or sympathy or advice. I just want to purge my feelings. I haven’t posted much in awhile because I’m not happy. I haven’t liked myself in awhile, and January and February have never been good months for me. I’ve been really self-critical and sad and isolating myself from the world when I’m not working. I know logically that this depressive period will end, but that doesn’t mean it hurts less or doesn’t feel unending. I’ll probably feel ashamed by tomorrow and delete this post, but don’t forget your “gone” friends. They may be hiding from the gray skies right now, but they will bloom again when the sun returns.
    • Work party last night! And snow! ❤️❄️ I hate that I didn’t pics of everyone.
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#ootd #psootd #whatiwore #whatimwearing #wiw #whatiworetoday #curvygirl #curvy #curves #curvesahead #curvywoman #curvyfashion #curvystyle #plussize #plussizefashion #plusisamust #plussizestyle #bodypositive #bodypositivity #bopo #psblogger #psbloggers #blogger #plussizeblogger #plussizebeauty #girlswithcurves #tealhair #greenhair #bluehair #alternativecurves
    • Channeling Wednesday Addams and, yes, I cleaned my mirror after taking these.
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#ootd #psootd #whatiwore #whatimwearing #wiw #whatiworetoday #curvygirl #curvy #curves #curvesahead #curvywoman #curvyfashion #curvystyle #plussize #plussizefashion #plusisamust #plussizestyle #bodypositive #bodypositivity #bopo #psblogger #psbloggers #blogger #plussizeblogger #plussizebeauty #girlswithcurves #pinkhair #alternativecurves
    • 2009 vs now. Me then: “I won’t be happy until I’m skinny!” Naw, girl, you won’t be happy until you quit accepting shitty behavior in relationships, get your meds straight, go to therapy, and focus on yourself. I may have gained weight and gone through some real shit, but things are so much better now.
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#curvygirl #curvy #curves #curvesahead #curvywoman #curvyfashion #curvystyle #plussize #plussizefashion #plusisamust #plussizestyle #bodypositive #bodypositivity #bopo #psblogger #psbloggers #blogger #plussizeblogger #plussizebeauty #girlswithcurves #purplehair #pinkhair #alternativecurves
    • 2018 was my “get shit done” year. I’ve focused on my career, my home, and doing things I’ve needed to do for years. I’ve gone back to therapy, took a year off from dating, and have tried to stay on top of my health, both mentally and physically. I hope that 2019 will continue in this vein, and be the year I worked towards finding my own happiness. I finally feel like I deserve that.
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#curvygirl #curvy #curves #curvesahead #curvywoman #curvyfashion #curvystyle #plussize #bodypositive #bodypositivity #bopo #plussizebeauty #girlswithcurves #pinkhair #alternativecurves #mentalhealth #mentalillness
    • Meowy Christmas!! 🎄🐱
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#ootd #psootd #whatiwore #whatimwearing #wiw #whatiworetoday #curvygirl #curvy #curves #curvesahead #curvywoman #curvyfashion #curvystyle #plussize #plussizefashion #plusisamust #plussizestyle #bodypositive #bodypositivity #bopo #psblogger #psbloggers #blogger #plussizeblogger #plussizebeauty #girlswithcurves #purplehair #pinkhair #alternativecurves #christmas
    • Top 9. Thanks for all the likes, comments, and generally putting up with my nonsense.
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#ootd #psootd #whatiwore #whatimwearing #wiw #whatiworetoday #curvygirl #curvy #curves #curvesahead #curvywoman #curvyfashion #curvystyle #plussize #plussizefashion #plusisamust #plussizestyle #bodypositive #bodypositivity #bopo #psblogger #psbloggers #blogger #plussizeblogger #plussizebeauty #girlswithcurves #purplehair #pinkhair #alternativecurves
    • Festive af last night. Second picture was, uh, several drinks in at a Christmas party.
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#ootd #psootd #whatiwore #whatimwearing #wiw #whatiworetoday #curvygirl #curvy #curves #curvesahead #curvywoman #curvyfashion #curvystyle #plussize #plussizefashion #plusisamust #plussizestyle #bodypositive #bodypositivity #bopo #psblogger #psbloggers #blogger #plussizeblogger #plussizebeauty #girlswithcurves #purplehair #pinkhair #alternativecurves
    • My coworker said I looked like a rich bitch after I put on my coat, but my outfit is totally Target except for my boots. But if you pronounce it “Tar-jay,” we can pretend I paid hundreds of dollars for this look.
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#ootd #psootd #whatiwore #whatimwearing #wiw #whatiworetoday #curvygirl #curvy #curves #curvesahead #curvywoman #curvyfashion #curvystyle #plussize #plussizefashion #plusisamust #plussizestyle #bodypositive #bodypositivity #bopo #psblogger #psbloggers #blogger #plussizeblogger #plussizebeauty #girlswithcurves #purplehair #pinkhair #alternativecurves #targetstyle
    • My first Christmas in my apartment (2016) vs this year. Still don’t think I have enough decorations though.
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#home #homedecor #living #livingroom #livingroomdecor #vintage #vintagehome #homesweethome #southerncharm #southernliving #memphis #midtownmemphis #catcourt #apartmenttherapy #apartmentliving #smallspaceliving #apartment #apartmentdecor #target #targethome #christmas #christmasdecor #christmasdecorations #pinktree #pinkchristmas #pinkchristmastree
    • Possibly professional.
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#ootd #psootd #whatiwore #whatimwearing #wiw #whatiworetoday #curvygirl #curvy #curves #curvesahead #curvywoman #curvyfashion #curvystyle #plussize #plussizefashion #plusisamust #plussizestyle #bodypositive #bodypositivity #bopo #psblogger #psbloggers #blogger #plussizeblogger #plussizebeauty #girlswithcurves #purplehair #pinkhair #alternativecurves