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Please note: This post is about mental illness, including both depression and anxiety, as well as weight loss and body issues. If any of those topics make you uncomfortable, please feel free to skip over!

I haven’t felt like myself for a few months. I touched on it in an earlier post, but I wanted to more fully flesh out what’s been going on with me.

I went through a break-up in early April, which ended up being the catalyst to a fairly positive period in my life. For a few months, I felt very good about myself, my abilities, and my direction in life. Then suddenly, almost out of nowhere, the panic attacks began. I can remember the first night of overwhelming anxiety, where I barely slept and woke up with my chest aching and my jaw clenched. I tried to ease myself out of the attack by watching TV, trying to self-sooth with comforting statements, and focusing on my breathing. And I just couldn’t. I felt ridiculous and silly, but as the ache in my chest turned into deep, stabbing pains, I texted my best friend Megan, who is a nurse (and the smartest person I know).

“Do you think it’s silly if I go to the ER?”

She assured me that it wasn’t, and although I knew logically I was just having a panic attack, I felt it was best to go in and be reassured that it wasn’t anything more serious, especially considering my family history of heart disease.

I spent that June morning and early afternoon in the ER, distracted by a Say Yes to the Dress marathon playing on the TV in my room. I was referred to a cardiologist, where I had a stress test, the results of which showed that my heart is normal. (At least my physical heart. My emotional heart is a mess. Womp womp wahhhh.)

But the anxiety has continued. It’s incredibly specific, and I wake up multiple times every night with the same thoughts. I carry them with me through out the day. I have managed to push down the panic to where I’m not having attacks as often, but this low to moderate level hum of anxiety buzzes in my head almost constantly. I don’t know if it’s chemical. I don’t know if it’s situational. I hear this voice repeating, filling me with dread.

Compounded with financial issues, day-to-day stress I don’t manage well, and an inclination towards introversion and solitude, I am kind of a mess. Per usual, since my mental illnesses don’t like to be alone, the anxiety has brought my depression along for company. My anxiety says, “What if you screw this up?” and its pal depression chimes in with, “Well, of course you will — you always do.” Thanks, guys.

Even writing this is emotionally painful, and my finger keeps hovering over the “backspace” button.

I’ve been so hard on myself lately. I had finally found this good place where I was okay with myself, and I have backtracked in so many ways. I’ve given myself permission to feel shitty for awhile so long as I am making steps to feel not shitty.

I began a low carb diet in early August to help with my chronic illnesses and to help boost my energy (especially since one of my biggest issues with depression is physical exhaustion). I do feel a bit better, and I’ve lost about 12 pounds thus far. I’ve been trying to visit all my doctors and stay on all my medications, but, unfortunately, my insurance lapsed since I’ve been unable to pay for it, and now I can’t afford my medications, either. I currently have two jobs, although my full-time job is now moving towards being part-time, so I’m having to begin the job search process again.

The one thing I can say is this — except for in my darkest moments, I don’t feel hopeless. I feel sad and overwhelmed and frustrated, but I don’t feel like this is the end of the world. I don’t feel like I can’t get through this. And even when I do, I keep reminding myself that time and time again, I have gotten through this. Shit sucks, but, honestly? I’ve got this.

Happy days (and posts) are ahead. I’ve just got to push through.

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Since I moved into my first apartment, I’ve been coveting a massive collage or gallery wall. My style is eclectic with hints of vintage glamour girl and sleek modernism, mixed in with a penchant for messes and homemade art.

Some inspiration.
Sources: 1 2 3

If you saw my living room in my last post, you can see I’m obviously nowhere near the above pictures, but I’m collecting artwork on a fairly regular basis, as well as adding some of my own photography.

Here are a few other things I would love to add eventually:


Vintage cat paint by numbers paintings


Abstract landscape print


“All of Them Witches” print


“Wings” framed print


“Nature Walks” framed print


“Sunbathing” framed print

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Oh, hi, guys.

It’s been a minute since I posted, and I’ll go into why another day, but I wanted to share my cute living room that I’ve decorated for autumn & Halloween a bit! It’s still a work in progress, but it’ll give you an idea of my style.

Sorry for the not-so-stellar photo quality, but I don’t have an overhead light in my living room, which makes it hard to photograph!


Featured: “The Lady Never Liked Having Her Portrait Painted”: Janet Hill Studio | “Lost at Sea”: Wendy Ortiz | “Fawn”: Amy Hamilton | Cat pillow | Geometric throw pillow | Emily futon | Acorn garland


I got the awesome skull candle at Target. It “bleeds” when you light it, but I think I’m going to keep it unlit.


I got this side table from my friend April, and it needs a new coat of paint, but I haven’t decided what color to paint it yet. The kitty statue and its twin are vintage and were given to me by my aunt.


I’ll take a better picture of this bookcase soon. It’s just a cheap one from Target, but I spray painted the backing hot pink so it pops.


This chair and its twin were my grandparents’, and I grew up thinking they were the most comfortable chairs ever. (I still do, to be honest!) The skull plate is from Home Goods (last year), and the stool was a Craigslist find. It opens up for storage. (Also, I’m kicking myself for not centering the plate for the picture, but I’m too lazy to take a new photo.)


Wreath on my door that I got from Target (are you sensing a pattern?) several years ago. My door opens to the kitchen, and you can kind of see the living room through the arched doorway.


A little arrangement on my screened porch.

I hope you enjoyed my mini-tour, and I will take more pictures soon!

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2 comments
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    • ⬅️ Swipe
Walked across the Mississippi River to Arkansas with my dad today. Absolutely gorgeous weather, good company, and HOLY CRAP THE BLISTERS. Y'all remind me to wear socks next time.
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#memphis #memphistn #memphistennessee #themississippi #skyline #sky #clouds #railroad #railway #bridge #downtownmemphis #901 #choose901 #positivevibes #october
    • After a super stressful month, I am finally starting to feel better. I've got good shit coming my way, and I'm remembering all the best parts of me. I love my resilience, my goofy faces, my half smile, my awful singing voice, my annoying laughter, my calves, my love of autumn. Losing yourself is horrible, but refinding yourself is pretty awesome.
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#selfie #selflove #loveyourself #boomarang #curves #curvygirl #curvy #plussize #curvesahead #mentalhealth #bopo #bodypositive #bodypositivity #mentalillness #recovery #nomakeup #freshface
    • #metoo
    • ⬅️ Swipe for my autumnal music.
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#ootd #psootd #whatiwore #whatimwearing #wiw #whatiworetoday #curvygirl #curvy #curves #curvesahead #curvywoman #curvyfashion #curvystyle #plussize #plussizefashion #plussizestyle #bodypositive #bodypositivity #bopo #celebratemysize #effyourbeautystandards #psblogger #psbloggers #blogger #plussizeblogger #plussizebeauty #girlswithcurves #alternativecurves
    • Never give up. You can move mountains. You are important. You are needed. #worldmentalhealthday
    • I'm trying to be more social. And by social I mean social media. Real life, bleck!
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#snapchat #snapchatme #itsmostlymemakinguglyfaces
    • Going out on a Friday? ME?? 😱
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#ootd #psootd #whatiwore #whatimwearing #wiw #whatiworetoday #curvygirl #curvy #curves #curvesahead #curvywoman #curvyfashion #curvystyle #plussize #plussizefashion #plusisamust #plussizestyle #bodypositive #bodypositivity #bopo #celebratemysize #effyourbeautystandards #psblogger #psbloggers #blogger #plussizeblogger #plussizebeauty #girlswithcurves #grunge
    • [CW: Mental illness, ED]
•••
2012 vs 2017
I may have been thinner 5 years ago, but, GOD. I was miserable. I recently admitted to my best friend that I have dealt with disordered eating habits since I was 13. I never told anyone because I figured it didn't count because I didn't look sick. I didn't want to take away from people with "real" eating disorders. I still don't want to go into it. But in 2012, I was barely eating and struggling with what I now understand to be related to PTSD. Today I still struggle. I still have all those things. But I don't hate myself as much when I look in the mirror now and that is a major accomplishment for me.
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#curvygirl #curves #curvy #curvywoman #bodypositive #bodypositivity #bopo #selfie #tbt #throwbackthursday #glowup #endthestigma #depression #anxiety #ptsd #recovery #selflove #happiness
    • Pumpkin, pumpkin, round & fat. Turn into a jack o' lantern just 👏🏻 like 👏🏻 that 👏🏻. (Daughter of a kindergarten teacher, so I know tonsss of seasonal rhymes. Thanks, Mom. 😘)
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#autumn #autumn🍁 #fall #pumpkin #pumpkins #farmersmarket #oxford #oxfordms #mississippi #southernliving #thesouth
    • But love, prayers, and condolences are not enough. Do something. Donate blood, time, money, supplies. And it's BEYOND time to STOP BEING AFRAID to start a dialogue about our country's policies and what constitutes enough of a tragedy to MAKE CHANGES. #lasvegas
    • Since it's ALMOST October, I decided to put up the spiderwebs I bought in August. I can't wait to get a Jack-o-lantern! 🎃💀👻🕷🕸
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#halloween #october #september #halloweendecorations #halloweendecor #autumn #autumndecor #fall #falldecor #orange #memphis #midtownmemphis #home #homedecor #thesouth #southernliving #blog #blogger #bloggers #thisishalloween #spooky #scary #spiderweb #catcourt
    • Plz excuse the giant pile of clothes. I took my cute self out for a taco date.
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#ootd #psootd #whatiwore #whatimwearing #wiw #whatiworetoday #curvygirl #curvy #curves #curvesahead #curvywoman #curvyfashion #curvystyle #plussize #plussizefashion #plusisamust #plussizestyle #bodypositive #bodypositivity #bopo #celebratemysize #effyourbeautystandards #psblogger #psbloggers #blogger #plussizeblogger #plussizebeauty #girlswithcurves